Just because you dont know.

Hi dear blog,
Its been so long that ive last seen you?

Hmm, im sorry.. but recently theres just too much stuff to handle, stress? should i say it is stress? or is it not considered stress.. maybe im still not matured enough to understand the word STRESS..
Ive tried letting it go to my friends, my sister..yes.. i do feel much better. but nothing compares to expressing my feelings totally right?

I really feel bad having to write this out, i should be able to sort out myself which path to choose, but i REALLY CANT.

Do you know i love both of you really much?
Yes, people say that you cant love two girls at once, because if you love one, you wont love another.
Yes, i do think so too previously, but through this thing. i am really doubting myself on my honesty.

Yes, ive thought not letting her know bout me falling for this other girl. But, as time goes by, it really hits me. Its really suffering, pretending to not care and faking myself out infront of others. IT BECOMES REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. IT HURTS SOMEHOW WHEN I FAKE MYSELF.

LOVING 2 PERSON AT THE SAME TIME, FEELS HORRIBLE. FEELS LIKE SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

I didnt really know what outcome i would get, but I decided, that I will be honest to her, and tell her about everything which I did.  The moment i voiced it out, was one of the most heartbreaking moments that ive ever had in my life.  Yes, it hurts to just tell her that i fell for someone else, what kinda bastard am i?  Telling that, and a return of few tight slaps, for each tight slap. makes me recall things that i've done previously, to just make her feel happy and loved.  She asks me why do i want to do something that hurts her this much? I really couldnt answer her, it seems just that i want both. YES, i feel like punching myself right now. HOW CAN I EVEN SAY. I WANT BOTH? Looking at her non-stop flowing tears, millions of images us being together being flashed thru my mind. i was feeling hot. what on earth am i thinking?

Tried to sort it out, try to clear things.. we went for a meal right after, tried to sort things out, but nothing came out of it, just flashbacks.. and she said she gonna leave.  I kept silent, but who am i to make decisions right? Went Ikea, tried to talk it out. really forced myself. PLEASE, make ur decision, do not hold 2 person you love . WAITING. for your answer. She cried, mentioning it. You gave comments looking at some of the pictures taken with her, i really feel disgraced. Pride n dignity. Total fucked up.
At the carpark, you said you will leave, and wait till i make my own decision, i look happy with her. you said you'll leave. I didnt know why tears flowed out real bad, i didnt know why I FEEL SO HEARTBROKEN hearing u say that?!!!!!! And on the other hand , i am holding CY's hand, what on earth im thinking.   U tried to leave silently, gave me all the rings, and stuffs back and i feel lost of pride.. felt really heartbroken. A girl that i used to PRIORITIZE, that i used to go mad for.. told her not to give up on, the one i cared most, the one that i want the best for her, gives the best for her, looking back at myself, im the one destroying it. i cant really understand. Yet, you told me not to cry, not to be sad.

6, I didnt know how you became someone i really care about. I didnt even know this was coming. It was totally impossible, that i will fall for you. This was what i told everyone, which i even told her. I wouldnt fall for you.  But, i dont see it coming, despite not liking you being quiet, keeping it all to yourself, ignoring things.  But still, i dont know why it goes to this stage, where you too became a priority.  You said letting go, to not suffer anymore, ignoring me, to let go, though it really hurts when you say so. Im in total lost, is it that you dont really prioritize me? or is it that you feel that its okay to let go?  The incident in the club, I really didnt know how the fuck did i get that much of courage to even push a guy, which is like TWICE bigger size than I am, just because of you? WHY, i totally lost myself in that, I cried, i dont know why. but i cried, it really feels so painful, at the same time, thinking bout you Bii, makes me feel even fucked up confused, heart torn,  to know that you're gonna be heartbroken to pieces, what the fuck am i thinking.

6, it really feels complicated with you, it is like.. i do not really know what is your thoughts, what do you really want, what do you really feel? whenever i asked, you never want to ever tell me what was in your mind.. I hate passing through, accidentally browsing your phone, and u got like tons of texts from guys.  I pretend to act like i dont give a damn, but who am i to even bitch about it? im not officially your men, i cant give you a status whereby u can say that YES, IM HIS GIRLFRIEND?, who am i to bitch? Telling it to her, i dont want to lie her anymore, to not make her hurt any deeper when she gets to know, and at the same time, i want you not to feel suffer, to be lying to people, and faking yourself to people.  Thank you for the things u've done for me.  Telling everything, my intention for you is to make u feel that there is no need to lie anyone anymore, to at least, make you feel less guilt.

YM, you're the best girlfriend I ever had in my 20years life, I never doubt your love and trust on me, your priority was always me. I feel that, i really feel that and i know it.  To the promises that we made, to the special events we did, and to remind ourselves in the future, i really meant it when i say them.  But who is the one who breaks it all? ME, KENT CHAN. The amount of love, and care u gave me, trust, and every single thing. the mainpoint is always. ME, i was always the priority.. You too, was always there for me, during my up's and down's.. Supporting me, Scolding me, Nagging me, you name it, and you've done it.  It becomes too close, where I consider you as my family. YES, my family.  And yet, what i gave you in the end, was nothing.. was just answers, and voices that makes u "HEARTBROKEN".. I promised myself, even that i liked her, nothing will come out of it, i told you she was my bestfriend, she treats me really good, and that is why i equally treat her that good as well.. but.. yes, you're right to doubt it.. yes.. ITS JUST ME, KENT CHAN .. BASTARD GUY!
Im sorry.. IM REALLY SORRY.

6, even for the many times you've said/ told me that you will be leaving, giving up, i still held on to you .  Yes, what a bastard am i right? Knowing that i have a current girlfriend.. no longer.. now..You're now someone i think of daily, besides YM.. but why do i think of 2 girls at ONCE? BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!
Though i really feel heartache looking at the treatment u gave me, maybe happens for a reason for all that cold treatment, but to get to see your childish laugh, and actions. really gives me this smirk smile on my face automatically.. yes, i really have alot of doubts, on you. whether.. is it just for the spark of the moment, or is it for real? Is it that you really want me? do you really love me? i have this questions popping in and out of my mind every single day, yes.. every single day.  But yet, despite all that, we still manage to still hold on till now.  You say we feel very "muo shen", but do you understand that, i really have reasons for all the things, actions I did?  And for the pain and stress you suffered from me, and all other people looking at you, i cant bear the pain and share it with you, i only can support you, but it seems that when i asked, you never seem to even care or be really courageous to spurt it all out to me, telling me all of how you feel, and what has happened .  It really makes me feel like a failure, being someone who dont even understand you, know what is happening around you, AND ADMIT THAT I HAVE DEEP FEELINGS FOR YOU.  Also, im really touched for all the things you have done for me,  thank you.. really.. i really feel loved.. cared.. thank you for waking up early in the morning just to make me porridge, when im sick.. thank you for some lil things you bought for me to drink/eat.. But, in the end also.. what i gave in return, was mainly disappoinment, and heartbreaks for you..
Feel so sorry, im really so sorry..

Im sorry, yet loving 2 person at the same time.. I really feel much pain in me, sufferings in me..despite all the misery, heartbreaks, you both get.. at the other end.. i really feel much more pressured.. more confused, to make a decision.. I really cant make a decision.. IM SORRY.. im really SORRY..

Youre, the same sweet girl, that would care, scold, nag, pamper me.. as always.. Youre this little baby, that would want my hugs, my arms around you.. to feel protected by me. although im thin as fuck. hahahaha, someone that is willing to give it all.. like family, even for the things that you do not even need to do.. you will do it just for the sake of Kent Chan.. This little baby, who would always think to save and plan for the coming days, months, years.. 2years.. +..

Cy, ni zhe ge kids.. haha.. this little one.. stubborn pig, that wants to cover every single thing, do every single thing, this small gas kid, still.. the one that have problems but keeps it to yourself.. never expressing it.. even when you want my hugs.. you will act like. "NO"~ disguise ahh... haha, and whenever you hug me, with that "EEEEEEE" sound.. someone that buat tak tahu, act like tak kisah, tak care.. and when something happens, will be upmost the one that.. "WEIIIIIII, BEN DANNN.....~" what r u doingggg? OKAY MAHHHH? still the one where ice cream is your best friend..

Yes, who am i to make a decision right?
Is it that i am not even fully grown to even take care of myself, before even taking care of both women?
When i cant choose between two women.., and feel in love with both, or is it that i dont even love either one of them..? is it just the spark period..? Am i really good to both of you? or am i lying or sending a wrong message of my status?

Or, is it that both women, satisfy my different needs...?

Should it be better, if i leave...from the world of both women, should i..?

Maybe, its because i dont even know how to love and value myself.. and now to feel to falling in love for another.. but i dont even know how to love myself.. do i even know how to love another..?


I LOVE YOU..

My 2010 .

Alright, Towards the end of the year, haha

It's Been So Long Since i Last Blogged, dont really have the motivation to blog anymore, but "si bat c" also will update har geh... hahaha DEPENDS.

Well, For 2010, I guess, it pass very fast.. really. For instance, i'm really suprised that today is the 31st and tomorrow is a new year already. Well. New Year Resolution at the end.  Was fucking emo yesterday, and i dreamt about year 2010. seriously. like a recap or something. so i decided to bring my harddisk to work today. *NO OFFDAY* although Malaysia won.

Anyway, recapping based from the photo's.. haha.. really seen through alot of memories. and things we've done. and i can see the changes from time to time.. Well. may be a lil bit random. but bear with it yea!. so

A RECAP OF MY 2010.

1) FAMILY

Chinese New Year : Hahaha! , it's really funny and a new experience for me going to Karaoke with Grandmother, and my aunties and cousins. LOL'ed real hard. 

Singapore Trip : went i think twice this year or thrice hehehe. Of Course. Memorable times spent with my sisters. and also her friends hahaha..

having beer with sister.

at this Kaws bar, i was really impressed n interested LOL

and my 2 sisters, hahahaha.. HOW FUCKING FUN IS that? We Smoke together and talk cock and laugh our asses OFF =P especially my elder sister! hahaha, thanks for always giving me some extra money.

Relationship :  Today marks us being together for 1Years 2Months and 23 Days.

Well, this year, a lot of up and downs being together.. of course more arguments =P anyway, anything that i wish to tell you already tell u always..hahaha..

Pretty Princess Baby, like the way u manja, like the way u fat pei hei *not too often* .. hmm.. hehehe.. dan lain lain i will tell u when we ada "talk" hehehehe =P

weiy's birthday steamboat.

and.. this one at Look Out Point, though the food sucks. u look really pretty that night.. hahahaha.. LOL.. well okay. i guess it doesnt relate to the food =P

+ this view haha!

Lan c~~ hahaha jam tangan baru

super couple =)

watching 1st sunset together, hahaha and also Tq to Winteng, you belanja us makan seafood =) hehehe

and more time. =)

i-City, you wanted to go so badly =( =( . keep manja me.. awww~ =P'

and midvalley, gardens ...you said you like me in Polo, and the white pants you bought for me as my birthday present.

and your birthday. okay.. while typing this tears rolled down abit.. haha!

I'm actually very happy, that everything works out fine.. hehe. to suprise you.. i'm actually afraid at the beggining that you wont be that much suprised.. or FAILED.. anyway

Seeing the tears rolled down from your eyes, when your "ji-mui's" brought up the cake, and we sang happy birthday, with the candle lights shining brightly. and your tears.. u were totally

S P E E C H L E S S.. and i'm really happy i dont know why i wanted to shed a tear. hahaha But of course i TAHAN LA. DAMN MAN WAN MAH ME! xD!

Although, i spend alot on this ocassion, trips n suprise n booze n all.. hahaha.. i guess it all paid off =P.. *sakit-nya dompetku* hahaha.!

and, getting everyone to have a polaroid photo and write stuffs on a huge ass card.. for you baby =)

I Remember, when they arrived. alex them arrived ady, i pretended and say i go take jacket. i very cold.. and others.. i asked them faster! FASTER.. take photo! faster.! write!! faster paste past paste! hahaha.. everything so Kik Sui!.. =) anyway..

to all my bro's and also to her friends, thank you all =) if not for you all. the suprise and atmosphere of happiness wont be there. =)

SINCERELY THANKS U ALL.

2) FRIENDS

Friends, =) you guys made my life really entertaining. hahaha! everyone of you. =). you know. alright..

Uni Peeps!

this bunch, all of them are bunch of jokers.!!!

and i learned, "wo okay de", "ignore wo?!!" ,  and a lot of soh chat stuffs! ahahaha

Lan Man! hahaha hou lan handsome.

By2 Poster, with Edward.

and also, the kawanz at uni.. haha!

Acting Soh Chat.

and this mother fucker, Prince Sebastian.

guess who wrote "my ass la" hahaha!

acting RemPitzz.

not to forget.. AZUNURU, and also the mother fucking slut bitch BRO. ASHLEY DANIELLE WONG.

and Melaka Trip with the uni peeps, hahaha, alot of laughter.. and

PEGGY, i will remember your CAKE SPLASH.. HMPH! literally they did suprise for me during K-Session. i was really touched! and.. this peggy here. took the whole cake and threw it towards ME.. luckily ME. KENT CHAN. fucking flexible

AND FIK FAK FOOOKKK!!! i escaped partialy of it.. and my superman tee kena dirt abit TvT..

Peggy, Ni Hao Ye. 2011 birthday u HAILATZZZI XD!

and sinye, dior, peggy, mei lee, nic nic, weiy, lim, jo-v, ashley, dan sohai gangz hahaha!

YOU GUYS REALLY HOU ROCK DAK =)! WO OKAY DE! , although we know not really long, but at least. we never backstab each other, and we are honest to each other flaws. alright? KEEP IT UP. 

we wont feel left out geh, and..

Peggy, wo wo, ke yi ken ni pai zao ma?

Dior, wo ke yi gen ni pai zao ma? *take hp *snap snap snap*

Edwardddddddddddddddd~~~~, <3 hahahahah..... o0o soh chat. tiu nia sing =P

NOT TO FORGET, COMM FEST 2010,

we did a damn good job. OKAY.

anyway, this project, honestly lar. made me closer with alot of my coursemates that i nv been to interact closely b4. and.. =) u guys all memang rock, hehe. we are 1 team i feel that.

A HUH, A HUH~

3) the peeps i call my HOMEBOYZ / BROS.

DOU NGO BAN HENG DAI LE WOR =)!

Hahahaa!, alright, TO ALL MY BROZ, if i state name. wah. 13 tahun pun tak siap lor.. so. u guys know who you are OKAYZZ!

You Guys seriously rock dou cannot zoi rock!.. although i tak always join u guys .. for rocks party.. and club and banyak banyak lagi.. everytime i join u guys. it's always a memorable ocassion for me. this one "girls tak boleh faham" wan lar. they think we go out POU punyaaaa. dan mereka marah! 

this is during Alex Lai birthday dinner =)

say sohai, no people enough us sohai! hahaha.. wanna type many stories, but its fucking long. i guess i should stop.. =) hope our friendship wont end alright. 

Eternal, hahaha seriously, nid to thanks you. cause u always let me fuck. but not complaining any shit.. kesian you. but too bad, we wont stop diu 9 u. =) so prepare 2011, we will still diu 9 u haha! this bro, every month also his birthday, cause usually birthday boy oni kena cake on the face, but every bro birthday, he kena aim everytime, NOT ONCE he wont KENA CAKE. and club, he become KING OF THE ROAD, SLEEP ON THE ROADSIDE. LIKE DEAD MEAT, people keep snapping his picture, but how fucking FISH U ARE. u are still BRO.

and to my secondary and since young ages bros : you guys know deep in your heart, =)  we hou ROCK DAK, and NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW ;) same words, hope friendship maintain! u guys bring alot of joy to me.!

ok joo, sorry put your picture sini .. hahahaha

but i must say la bro, u really hou lan rock dak, and hou lan control dak temper. jz like eternal ! hahaha.. u r the mastermind of making people laugh.. ma haiiiii. anyway. wish u n your girl all the best. and pls u 2 jgn keep sah fah cheong infront of me.. if not I REALLY!!! .. really.. nothing geh. LOL.

you all are really bro's. although some of us, we dont meet often, dont contact often . but STILL.

ngo dei hai HOMEBOYZ, BROS. OKAY?

and special untuk you,

Hi, Maegela Baby,

Mm ging mm gok, we've passed the 1year line! of being together.. haha!..

time passes, really fast. and for this 1 year, i've kept all movie tickets that we watched together, and polaroid photos of us, on special ocassions, all given to you.. and it's your responsibility now to keep and collect it.. heheeeee

although sometimes i cannot tahan your temper, and your princesss behaviour.. *aiyo, bo bian, u really princess*.. =P but still i love you okay.. jangan marah aku selalu =(, dan sometimes be understanding, of course.. i have to do my part of being understanding.. =(.. but aku memang sangat "da nan ren" mahh.. =/.. so.. erm... hehehe..

this is our first time to a concert together, thanks for fetching me though.. HAHHA. i sound so chiplak, my girlfriend fetch me, *for this once* LOL, to ppl who say, YER, wan girlfriend fetch.

EH, Hello, jealous is it? hahhahaha!

i insisted to take a picture of her in the LRT, =P. okay, our first time LRT together.

and during every "first time's" together. she will have this silly face

like that. "Hehehehehe, biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~"

"wo men hen duo di yi ci ehhhhh, hehehehehehe"

*proceeds to hug me and rub her cheek on my shoulder* awwww *MELT*

hehehehe. how cute's that! hahaha my baby little princess ♥♥♥

and u asked on fb whats that ♥ ? now you know ;)

my birthday, thank you baby.. u really made me happy so blessed!

and gingerbread man u made me.. i love it =) baby thx

and christmas.. at midvalley.. u wanted to take so badly. and the hongkong disneyland couple tee u got me.. thanks.. remember everyone was staring at us? hahaha.. maybe because of the tee, maybe because of the "curry chicken" you gave me! hahahaa

=) mickey & minnie

and this recently, during christmas.. 

HEEEHEEEE!

So , that's my 2010, walking towards 2011, i hope.. ERMMM,

i havent come up with 2011 resolution yet.

Welcome, 2011. =)

HAHAHA , sorry

i'll update.. give me time okay =P

The stuffs so lately.

Well Hey!

guess who's back in action now?!

KENT CHAN DUDEZZZ~ hahahaha..

well, CCP paper is done.., econs paper is done.. Presentation skills is tomorrow..

Econs, sigh. not really a pleasant one.. but it's already over..most of u might ask.. U're taking mass comm. y got econs wan ah?

LOL, i don't know how to answer lah.. it's included in the course! 

BABABABALLAAAAAA... so what are the stuffs lately?!

being silly dumbo's

with the so called cheras gang hahaha..

hahahaha. cheh wa.. look like business partners. wtf... LOL

TAKAU TAKAU.!

Hahahha, honestly.. with them i laugh almost every moment @ college.. someone will always come up with something really funny. and triggers all of us to laughter.. APPREACITED  :)

ahuhhh,

and feeling like Shabu'ing. and end up feeling like..

"FUUUUUU, i cant take it anymore"

And TAN CHOON WAI'S B'day.. 

starting 2. i guess we ended up with more than 10 buckets ;)

we played 1,2,3,4,5,6.. if u guys know LA.. 

short description, ROLL DICE, POUR OR DRINK.

and I KENA SO MANY TIMES 2-4SHOTS IN A ROWWW.. WALAO

HOW NASTY IS THAT!

but i had real fun.. damn ROCKSSS!

from this picture u can see i'm high on alcohol. LOL

and for the first time, having the night view of Taylors.

hahahaha "looks like a hotel" dunno who commented at facebook ady..

anyway, it's nice.. hahaha.. since it's too late to leave cause its jam inside college when we tried to leave, they decided to have dinner @ wong kok.. LOL..

ALSO,

FEELOSOPHY PEEPS FOR YEA! u guys joined adi anot!! come join COMMFEST MAN!!! staytuned for my updates! SUPPORT LA SIKIT ;)

one of the dancers registering.

and also, with the sweetest =P

LOL, i seriously need to control my acne prob.

yalah, to the beach. LOL she's been nagging all the time.. TSSSK Tsssk.. =P

and LAN YENG abit lah..

Two more papers for midterm, and i'm free for few days.. hahaha before rushing to hand in assignments again.. =P which means more "OLD TOWN" sessions.. 

time really flies, birthday is coming.. and i wonder how will it be this year.. 

LOOKING FORWARD.

till then,

kent,c.